


The boy within the man

by IzzyMay6363



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon, Character Study, M/M, Slow Burn, Tension, post ACWNR
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 13:57:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19297144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzyMay6363/pseuds/IzzyMay6363
Summary: Who is Erwin Smith?Some say he's the devil. Others say he's humanity's hope. But very few know the boy caged within.And against the man's better wishes, he reveals more of the boy to Levi than he had ever intended.





	The boy within the man

The sky was blotched with ugly purple bruises. Levi stared through the window and up at it absentmindedly. It would most likely rain, and rain hard. He could imagine the harsh drum of water on the rooftops.

Though early in the morning, the hallway of the castle was dark and hazy. Levi turned from the window and made his way down to the mess hall, his mind still far away. He doubted training would be halted because of the weather. In fact, the Survey Corps would most likely embrace it; experience with 3DM gear in all conditions was, after all, a necessity. Outside the walls, rain could equate to death even with the most elite soldiers’ skill. Levi knew this first hand.

He hated how the empty eyes of Isabel and Furlan were the most vivid memory he could conjure of them. He walked a bit faster to escape his own thoughts.

The mess hall was reasonably empty, soldiers woozy and irritable due to the dank weather. Levi sat away from the clusters of people and ate because his stomach was empty. He did not enjoy the taste of the food.

A shadow appeared over him. Levi looked up to find none other than Erwin Smith, plate in hand and seemingly hesitant to sit down.

“Levi.” Erwin’s tone was cautious. At the inclination of Levi’s head, he finally sat beside him.

It had been less than a month since Levi’s botched mission to destroy Erwin Smith. He did not despise the man, nor blame him for the death of his friends, yet the air around them was tense. Levi couldn’t explain it. It was as if he had dedicated his heart to a cause, to a man who had rescued him from the trap of the underground and showed him freedom, but his mind had yet to catch up. He barely knew Erwin, and yet his whole being thrummed with a sense of purpose upon remembering the man’s passion, his sincerity: ‘humanity needs your strength’. The bizzarity of the situation put him on edge.

Erwin himself seemed unfazed by the strength in Levi’s decision to follow him. However, though he obviously believed that the blame of a comrade’s death fell on the Titans, his tentative behaviour around Levi seemed to suggest that guilt still clung to the fringes of his mind, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise. Levi understood.

“Good morning.” He said, putting down his fork.

“How are you getting on, Levi? Are you adjusting well to life here?” Erwin did not speak until his mouth was empty.

“Yeah,” Levi said, thoughts flitting back to the insults people sometimes threw at him when they thought he couldn’t hear, mainly involving his height. “I’m doing fine.”

“I’m glad.” Erwin said. He hadn’t brought up the topic of Isabel and Furlan’s deaths since his speech outside the walls. Levi was relieved. All that needed to be said had been said, and if Erwin began apologising now it would revoke the meaning of his words before.

The Titans killed your friends. The Titans.

“Training today shall be tough. The weather is rather dreary currently, and looks to be getting worse.” Erwin continued, gaze flickering to Levi’s face. “I will also be participating, with the rest of my squad.”

“Good to know.” Levi replied sarcastically. Erwin was clearly working up to some sort of proposition.

Erwin hesitated before saying: “I know that recent training has been based on individual skills, and if group work is involved, you have been training with whichever squad that has been low on numbers. However, out of the walls it is necessary to work with people you know and trust, and so I have been enquiring about having you permanently moved into my squad.”

And there it was. Levi turned to face him. “Okay, Smith.”

Erwin seemed unsurprised, except for an almost imperceptible widening of the eyes. He smiled. “Good. There will be some paperwork in order to make it official, but for today you can train with me.”

Levi nodded, looking up at Erwin’s face. He seemed excited, blue eyes intense as they watched Levi carefully.

Levi grimaced. “What is it, Blondie? Your smile is creeping me out.”

Erwin was seemingly unaffected by the use of the nickname. “No, it’s nothing. I just enjoy seeing you use your gear.”

Levi scowled at him. “What kind of creepy shit is that?”

“It interests me,” Erwin confessed, “You fly through the air with such ease.” He chuckled a little, like a father remembering the first time his son walked on two feet, and just before Levi shoved his chair backwards and exited the hall from the disgusting sight, Erwin’s expression sobered as he said: “I’m serious, Levi. Hope is an incredibly important thing in the Corps, and you bring it. For that I am truly grateful.”

Levi turned to stare at the clouds, an unforgiving plague in the sky. 

“Whatever,” he muttered. A few tense seconds past. At least Levi believed them to be tense, but he didn’t dare turn to see Erwin’s expression. 

Erwin cleared his throat. “Shall we make a move, then?”

Levi looked down at his plate. “Training doesn’t start for another half hour.” Erwin didn’t reply. After an annoyingly long stretch of silence, Levi turned to face him. “What is it? You look like you’re holding in a shit.”

Erwin’s eyes widened, though whether it was at Levi’s ability to read him or because of his crass choice of words, Levi couldn’t be certain. But then his mouth softened into a poorly concealed grin.

“No, no, it’s nothing. I just suppose I thought we could begin a little early, since we are all finished here.”

What a hesitant, polite conversation we’re having, for two men who, not a month ago, were plotting against each other, Levi thought, amused.

“Well, the food is shitty.” Levi made to stand. “Alright then, lets go. A bit of extra practice never harmed anyone.”

He glanced downwards. Erwin Smith’s eyes shone as if he were a child told his dreams were right within his grasp.

Levi didn’t understand it. Levi didn’t understand Erwin Smith, but it wasn’t bad, that look in his eye.

***

“Show me again, Levi.”

Levi resisted rolling his eyes and flipped the blade once more. Erwin watched intensely, blue eyes focused, and Levi wondered if the man ever stopped thinking. After a long staring contest with Levi’s blade, he finally spoke.

“I don’t think this technique will be compatible for many of the members,” was the conclusion. “Even so, it wouldn’t hurt to demonstrate it and see if any members find it preferable. Would you be alright to do that, Levi?”

Levi grumbled. “I guess it can’t be helped.”

Erwin’s good mood seemed not to have dampened. “That’s brilliant, Levi. With your help, the Corps could make some well deserved progress.”

The clouds above gave a knowing rumble at Erwin’s words. Levi said nothing and tilted his face upwards. Droplets of rain began to kiss his cheeks.

“The clouds look like that time…” He murmured. Erwin said nothing, but by the look on his face, he understood.

Levi unsheathed his other blade. “It looks like the fog will settle pretty heavily too. Let’s do the course.”

“Levi,” Erwin started. “It will be dangerous to use manoeuvring gear through the trees when the fog is thick. It is in our best interest not to injure ourselves in practice.”

“Erwin,” Levi deadpanned. “Last time, everything I cared about was lost.” The words came out flat, joining the now rhythmic pelting of the rain. “I won’t make the same mistake this time.”

Erwin lifted his head up towards the sky. Hair cascaded over his forehead when he lowered his face. Droplets of rain caught in his eyebrows. Blue eyes could burn with their intensity. His expression made Levi question, not for the first time, if Erwin was slightly mad. Why he was able to see it was beyond him. Then again, nothing about their relationship was particularly normal.

“I’m honoured that the corps has become something you care about Levi.” Erwin unsheathed his blades. “The rest of the squad should be here in about 15 minutes, although in this weather, perhaps a little longer. Which means… I doubt I alone could possibly stop you from practising, with rain so heavy I can barely see 5 foot ahead of me.” His eyes flashed, a brilliant blue in the washed out grey of the rain.

Levi’s eyes widened at Erwin’s sudden change in demeanour. He took in the playful glint in the man’s eye and smirked. “Since you know this terrain better than me, old man, you have no choice but to follow, since I’m your precious new member and all.” He felt a rush of exhilaration, spurred on by the challenge in Erwin’s gaze, replace the hollow emptiness he often felt when it rained.

“I see,” Erwin’s smile was dangerous. “It looks like I have no other option.”

Levi smirked once more and turned from the man, squinting through the rain. He could make out the looming shapes of trees, morphing and merging with the rolling fog. It was hopeless to attempt to use his sight; the only thing clear to him in the world was the sodden earth beneath his feet. He could make out waterlogged footprints beside his own, too small to be Erwin’s, too big to be his. For a terrible second, he wondered if the owner was dead, lost in the previous expedition, and these were the last memories of them, fading beneath his filthy boots.

He took a breath of rain. Closed his eyes. Pictured the training course in his mind’s eye. 

“Alright, eyebrows, lets see if you can keep up.”

He launched into the trees, letting out a gasp that could be a laugh. With his vision impaired, his other senses heightened. He heard it as Erwin’s hook connected with a nearby tree, the sound joining the thrum of the rain, steady as a beating heart. There were times, he thought recklessly, that he felt that the world truly flew with him, breathed with him, felt joy and felt pain with him. He flew and soared with the rain as it pinched his cheeks and reminded him excitedly that he was alive. Erwin appeared above him, and he was laughing, face open with a sort of childish wonder, eyes wide and seeing.

“It wouldn’t be like this outside the walls!” Erwin yelled. “Titans could be anywhere and we don’t know the terrain well enough to navigate this way!”

“I know that, idiot. It doesn’t hurt to be used to these conditions either way.”

They were coming close to a difficult area of the course, and he felt Erwin slow behind him in preparation. The trees became dense and tight knitted, knotting and curling in intricate, deadly patterns. Levi knew he could begin to second guess himself, so he sped up, relying purely on instinct and the hope that no tree had fallen under the pressure of the storm.

He came out the other side with a single nick on his forehead from a stray branch, shivering from the cold and exhilaration. The worst of the storm had passed and the rain ran in rivulets down the tip of his nose. He was drenched.

Erwin arrived about two minutes later, touching down heavily onto the sodden grass.

“Using the manoeuvring equipment was never my strong point.” He gasped, but his eyes were bright with achievement and pride. It made the years fall away from his face. “I should train with you more often, Levi.” He bent to brush the mud from his thighs and catch his breath.

After a moment he looked up. “You really are impressive, Levi. The way you moved through those trees… it’s no wonder the Titans can’t get a finger on you. Your instincts and athletic capabilities are phenomenal. I can’t believe how lucky I- how lucky the Survey Corps was, finding you.”

Levi scoffed at him. “Calm down, old man.” Even so, his lips curled into a small smile.

Erwin smiled back. “In all seriousness, Levi, it would be a different world if the whole corps was as talented as you.” He frowned, and his face hardened into its familiar position. Levi realised that the Captain and Erwin Smith were perhaps entirely different people and felt his curiosity peak. Erwin’s eyes clouded. “Maybe if we lost less people, the public would force the brass to give us funding.”

“Wipe that shitty look off of your face,” Levi said, as Erwin’s mouth began to morph into a self deprecating smile. “Don’t blame yourself for things you have no control over. Heed your own words, and don’t regret anything. In this shitty world, nothing you do can or will prevent people from dying. That doesn’t mean you should stop fighting. If the Corps taught me anything, it’s that.”

Erwin’s eyes widened, and he was silent for a long while. His hair embraced his forehead, clothes sagging from the weight of the rain. He looked like a young boy.

Finally, the boy spoke.

“You really are a kind man, Levi.” His voice was vulnerable. Levi looked away.

“We’re soaked, Erwin.” And Levi used his first name, for any nickname would make the man standing before him vanish. “We better go get changed or we’ll be useless as shit with snot dripping from our noses for the next three weeks.”

Erwin chuckled, and some of the man seeped back into his expression. “You’re right.” He said. Other members had begun to appear, and it wouldn’t do to see their Captain drenched from head to toe. “Let’s head back.”

Levi followed Erwin to the barracks, their positions back to normal, Erwin in front, with shoulders held high and proud once more. When he spoke again, the boy was gone. “I really am soaked through.” A hollow laugh. “I think it would be wise not to do this again.”

Levi knew he was talking about more than just training in the rain.


End file.
